A big part of depression is feeling really lonely, even if you’re in a room full of a million people.
Lilly Singh
It may come as a surprise, or maybe it won’t, that I suffer from multiple ailments that effect my mental health. Honestly some days, weeks, months… Are more difficult than others. This week has been one of those times.
I write this in hopes that you won’t give me your sympathy. I don’t need it. Instead I want you, dear readers, to simply read and let things soak in. Think about your life and know that even if your friends, loved ones, co-workers, and others around you whom you care for probably experience these same feelings. Because when you suffer from these mental illnesses… It is easy to tell yourself that you are the only one who feels that way. You may think that there is something wrong with how you feel and be ashamed to share with those who care. I often feel that way.
So today, let me tell you how I feel. I feel like I am drowning, slowly in an ocean plagued with storms and tidal waves. I feel like my brain is submerged in a thick fog and that there is no waking from the stupor. My bones and muscles ache deep to the core where it feels as if I am being crushed by an invisible force. I dread having to interact with people because what if they notice that I am fucked up?
The reprieve comes in small acts from those whom I interact with. Small acts make huge differences and eventually I feel as though my head is just barely above the surface of this tumultuous ocean. The trepidation of dealing with the world momentarily dissipates.
But soon, even with support, my head will sink below the surface, and the waves come crashing in on me, a roaring pressure in my head screaming that I am worthless, undeserving, unlovable. The fear of bringing others down with me keeps me wearing a mask. Pretending that I am “okay”.
I say these things because depression, anxiety, and phobias keep who you really are repressed. This shell whom you interact with, is but a husk of who I really am. You are presented with something that resembles Kat, but is not Kat. And this plague afflicts 1 in 4 adults. Chances are high that you or someone you love or cherish feels this way. Just know that they need you. If it is you who feels like this… Your friends and family no matter how they may act, need you. They are there for you, as you are for them.
If you are ever in a state where you feel like you can’t go on, there is help. Reach out. Please.